I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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