The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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