you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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