is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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