Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
