I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
