This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
