I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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