how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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