My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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