so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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