im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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