If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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