Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize