I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
