while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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