Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
