he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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