he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
