i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
