Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
