Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
