i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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