I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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