If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
