I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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