I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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