If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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