if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
