Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
