i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
