It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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