a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
