i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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