Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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