I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
