we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
