Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
