News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
