Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
