I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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