The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
