Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
