I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Randomize
