No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
