we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We left the knife in your bed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
