the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
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thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.