There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!