Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.