When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
