my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
