He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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