U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
