Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
