why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
