he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
