Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
