honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
