I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
