and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
