did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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