I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
