She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
